Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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