My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
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