Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
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