they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
