I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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