so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
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