i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
