u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize
