I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
