Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Randomize
