Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
