At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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