So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
