just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
