cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
