FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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