You really coming over, don't trick.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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