you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
