Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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