Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
If I had your ass I would rule the world
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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