I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
