I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
