Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
