I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
