I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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