Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
