I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
