one word: firstdatebathroomanal
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
