Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
