May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
