YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
