I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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