o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
