do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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