oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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