My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
