All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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