Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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