please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
