We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
