Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Randomize
