Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
