one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
