I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
