Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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