please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
