honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
