I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
