the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
