seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Sober January is a disaster.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
