Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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