I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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